Gonna be off tumblr for a week or so

dear current and future rp partners: i’m going to go days without replying to you, please don’t take it personally.

(via mothermal)

ask-thehooded:

emboars:

bonus round: explain why it would fit them best!

DO THIS ONE ACTUALLY CAN YOU PLEASE

ask-thehooded:

emboars:

bonus round: explain why it would fit them best!

DO THIS ONE ACTUALLY CAN YOU PLEASE

(via mothermal)

asker

Anonymous asked: So you seem to not care much for Arc, or would she care for you. Seems like a bad romance of sorts.

Arc: it’s not a romance, it’s a hostage situation.

asker

Anonymous asked: Whos on top - You or Offendy?

asker

Anonymous asked: I'm bored Arc. Do you have any ideas on what I should do?

Arc: watch pirated movies on the internet?

asker

Anonymous asked: When Slenderman makes you feel fear... what happens exactly? People react differently to fear and it makes me wonder how you do.

ask-archer-the-slender:

ask-sexual-offenderman:

ask-archer-the-slender:

ask-sexual-offenderman:

ask-archer-the-slender:

ask-sexual-offenderman:

ask-archer-the-slender:

ask-sexual-offenderman:

ask-archer-the-slender:

ask-sexual-offenderman:

ask-archer-the-slender:

ask-sexual-offenderman:

…..Pain doesn’t feel good anymore, and it’s hard to move right, like random parts of me start feeling heavier or stiff for no good reason, and it’s harder to see anything, like when I’m so out of my mind with rage that I stop noticing certain things, only I cant seen to get angry anymore.
I don’t like it.


*Archer reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver coin, flipping it along the back of his digits before clamping his palm shut around it. Opening his palm he showed Offender that it had somehow vanished. Archer then with his other hand reached next to Offender’s would-be-ear and pulled back holding the same coin. All without any Slender tricks.*

*The next, Archer had teleported away briefly and returned with a small tattered sports bag. Placing it down with a rattle he reached inside and pulled out a few cans of spray paint and began painting on a wall. He was very quick with his work and soon an image of rose in a cell shaded style with a white outline.*

*Archer paused, hesitating with his final task. But mustered up the courage to pull something else out of his pocket. A folded piece of paper. He held it out with the tips of his fingers.*

Maybe this is something you should consider accomplishing on your own.

*Offender opened the paper to see a picture of Arc, and she was smiling. Not something Offender sees often.*

*He chuckled slightly to himself as he looked at the image. Not so much at the image itself, but more at the pretense with which the other slender had presented him with it, before with a slight smirk on his otherwise bare face he turned the image back around to show it to Archer*

Do you really think this is something I can’t obtain on my own? whether through the image itself or by having Arc come do it in person? Or that I am incapable of finding another slender-being to question my methods in dealing with my proxy?
Also…

*he nimbly folds the image back up, and with a flourish of the wrist, the picture seemingly get’s replaced with a silver cigarette lighter, which he flips open and lights, before putting the folded up picture over the flame, it apparently having magically shifted to his other hand, and lighting it on fire, holding the lit paper in his palm as it burned as he put the lighter in his pocket, before closing his hand and extinguishing the small fire, only to then raise his other hand out and opening it, having what was apparently the same small fire and pile of ashes start up again in his opposite hand, with the fire quickly extinguishing itself as it ran out of resources to burn, and after wards, Smexy wiping his hands together to get rid of the ashes, only for him to suddenly present Archer with the same silver coin he had been holding earlier for his demonstration, before reaching out to grab Archers hand and putting the now soot covered coin onto the other slender’s palm*

You’re not the only one here who knows how to use a little slight of hand, so don’t try to impress me with the oldest trick in the book.

So I’d say that puts you at 1 out of three.

*Archer wiped the soot away from the coin in thought with his thumb, feeling himself turning bitter for what Offender had done. Curling his fingers tightly around the coin, he looked up with a deep fleshy frown.*

You know what? I think I will reconsider your ‘kind’ offer. I would rather feel pain than be like you.

Who said I would only limit myself to teaching you how to endure pain?
*he said wiping the last bits of soot off his hands onto his coat*
I said I would teach you whatever you wanted to know that I could provide.
So if you wanna know how to overcome most sedatives within seconds should the humans try to capture you? Or wanna know how to speed up healing in the middle of a fight? Or you wanna learn fucking skydiving or some shit?
It’s up to you, that’s how the deal went.

*hands seemingly clean enough he puts them in his pockets and looks back up at Archer*

Fact Is I don’t give much of a shit what you’d want to know or why.
And besides, I doubt you’d be able to handle the pain resistance stuff anyway small fry. Too many morals and not a desperate enough situation for someone like yourself to stick with it.

*A flicker of annoyance past Archer’s fleshy face, but he knew the other was right.  And to learn more about himself is what he needs right now. Archer is practically a ‘new born’ compared to other Slenders. He sighed out in defeat.*

Fine…

*Archer again teleported away for a moment then returned with a worn red guitar. Sitting down and positioning it on his lap his first plucked a few strings before beginning. He placed a mixture of familiar songs in a fast smooth pace. Although it was a little clunky at times, Offender could tell there was years of practice under this Slender’s belt. Archer stopped, leaving the strings to hum into the silence before glancing up at Offender*

I hear you like to play with the strings too?

*Although in glancing up at Offender, he was more than a little unnerved by what he saw, because Smexy was currently looking at him like a kid who had just laid eyes upon the biggest chocolate cake they had ever saw.
Before Archer knew it, he was suddenly swept up in a tight, squishy, awkward hug by the other slender-being, his arms acting almost like snakes and wrapping not once, but twice around him as they pressed him against the larger slender’s chest.
A chest which felt oddly rubbery and much warmer than he would have expected, and vibrated somewhat with the loud purring he was giving off in addition to the stupid happy grin that was plastered across his face.*

*If Archer still maintained his eyes, they would feel like they was about to pop out of their sockets from the shear tightness of the hug. He struggled a little, but not as much as he wanted to. Archer wasn’t sure if he should panic at this point. For now only the digits of his exposed hand twitched in resistance. Even with a face full of chesty flesh, Archer had managed to heave out some clear words.*

I… take that… as a… yes?

*he unraveled his arms and set Archer down, a wide happy grin still on his otherwise featureless face*

Heh heh heh heh…
*he poked at the area where Archers nose would have been (if he had one) cheekily as he said*
Consider yourself too valuable to be murdered unless you really piss me off or I have to throw you under the bus to save my own skin.
*before suddenly throwing an arm around archers shoulder and pulling him close beside him, motioning out with his other hand like he were about to show him the world before saying*

Now let’s go get wasted!!!!

*Archer took a moment to reply still recovering from being squished. But even after everything Archer has learnt about this Slender, he warmed up to the Offender’s announcementand and tore a grin of his own on his face. A toothless grin, but it was there nonetheless*

Fuck yes!

*hours, day’s, maybe even weeks later, he awoke slowly, the events up to this point seeming little more than a vague blur in his current state, so instead he was left to try and piece things together based on the evidence around him.

First off, he seemed to be in a room outfitted like one of those gaudy bedrooms one might find in a brothel or the like, with the bed (which he had apparently awkwardly fallen out of, as he lay with his face on the ground, arms sprawled out in front of him, with his legs awkwardly bent at an angle half on, half off the bed, with his body otherwise tangled up in the bright red sheet of the bed).

The second glareing thing he noticed, was the heavy, loudly snoring weight laying across his back, and the other large warm lump sleeping beside him. mustering up the energy to turn his head to try and see what they were he found the thing to his side to be a big, overweight chocolate Labrador retriever sleeping peacefully beside him, his limp white tentacles draped across the sleeping dog lazily, and turning his head the other way, he found the thing across his back to be an even larger, but equally obese yellow Labrador retriever, snoring loudly enough to vibrate its lips in a comical fashion even as the dog drooled across archers back in his sleep, and judging by the large moist spot he could feel on his back, they had probably been like this for awhile.

Well, okay waking up in what appeared to be brothel with two fat dogs sleeping on him. Worrisome, but you might be too hung over to care just right now, so lets see what else you can discover without moving around too much so as not to upset your sore…everything.

Alright, well first off, you weren’t wearing your hoody, and it also appeared that your undershirt had apparently been on fire at some point, what with the big burnt holes your could make out with what little you could see of it. although your yourself didn’t seem to be burned, so you had that going for you at least.

So turning your attention back to the room, you noticed that there was an awful lot of mostly eaten food all over the place, in fact it seemed to be mostly specific sort of food. Mashed potato’s, mostly eaten pies, stuffing, cooked beans and carrots, cranberry sauce, tubs of now melted ice cream, and the piez de resistance, the bones of not one, but two entire cooked turkey’s, most of which were strewn out around you close to your sleeping canine companions.
Apparently, the three of you had somehow managed to get your hands on an entire thanksgiving dinner in the middle of July and then ate the whole thing yourselves, which would explain why you felt so full, although for some odd reason upon inspection of your mouth with your tongue, it felt oddly gritty and sandy.
With a brief flash of memory, you see Offenderman enthusiastically daring you to eat what appeared to literally be a handful of gravel from off of the ground, and judging by the contents of your mouth, you had apparently taken him up on that bet.

Speaking of which, where is Offender anyway?

   

Archer’s first intentions was to get up, only to find his body pressed down by the lump of lab lard currently on his back. Well, he couldn’t push himself up, but he could pull himself free. Using his arms to crawl like a soldier on the battlefield he had managed to slip out of the covers and under the dog. Archer helped himself up using the edge of the bed to stand on his wobbly feet, looking down at the canines with half open eyes (if they could be seen that is). He dug so deep into his memory to find out the events from the many possible days and nights, only to irritate his hangover. He was a light weight, Archer can admit that.

He remembers having a laughing fit at one point for some reason, and the dogs cleaning up the leftovers. And nothing explained the burn holes in his tee shirt. Oh, and Offender smashing through a glass door backwards. Which reminded him again, where the hell is he?

Ripping open his maw Archer yawned and stretched, gently slipping his tendrils off his sleeping companions. Stepping over the minefield of plates and packaging he made his way over to a closed curtain window. Lucky for Archer, it was still dark out as his peeled the curtain back to glance outside. It was a city street, but a street he didn’t recognize at all. Archer looked back at the bed were the snoring of the dogs echoed from, and spotted his hoody under the chocolate lab.

Strolling back over to the bed with his white tendrils dragging behind Archer at first tugged at it gently as if not to wake the dog. But each tug grew stronger as it seemed to stay anchored under the lab. Abandoning the pulling Archer resolved to rolling the dog over, it seemed easy at first, if only the deep sleeping dog didn’t weigh a ton. It was no good, Archer just couldn’t muster up anymore strength to remove a simple dog from his hoody.

“Great…” Archer sighed out giving up.

He was far too tired and full for this and sat down between the lazy dogs letting out a quiet belch, tasting that strange gritty taste again. He stared up at the crystal chandelier for a moment in thought debating to leave now, or simply wait. But to be honest, he felt too shit-faced to go anywhere right now.

*He awoke sometime later to the feeling of one of the dogs licking his face. As his vision sharpened he saw that it was the chocolate lab, who stopped their licking and began to wag their tail happily when he showed signs of stirring. he must have passed out again, either from his hangover, or a food coma, or both. either way he felt a little bit better now.
The fat yellow lab seemed to have woken up as well, and was sitting a few feet away, panting lightly and just kinda staring off into space. Judging by the light filtering in through the blinds over the window, it was at least morning now*

asker

goddessterra22 asked: Arc: Would u freak out if you and Smexy switch genders?

Arc: eh, probably not much.

asker

ask-skylar-perridan asked: { hii Offendy, how have you been babes ^^ hugs? ^^ how's life treating you if i may ask? hey Arc, how are you?}

Doin good.

Arc: well my biggest complaint at the moment seems to be stressful math homework, so I’d count that as a win all things considered.

asker

Anonymous asked: why not both? ok fine u win dis round offendy

Damn right I do.

asker

Anonymous asked: what other roses do u have?

What’re you after?

asker

Anonymous asked: Do u have one dick or many?

One generally, but I can make more.

asker

wonderland-marker asked: * looking up at offender.* um....you are a lot taller in person....I was wondering If there were any tips you would give to a younger incubus? .w.

Learn some crime scene investigation techniques that the humans use so you don’t leave behind a clear evidence trail leading back to you.
And I don’t mean like from the crime drama tv shows, I mean actually go and watch them work in person for a few weeks, otherwise you’ll just come off as a poser newbie and probably get captured by one of their secret government programs they use to deal with the supernatural.

asker

zebrathekokiri asked: Can I lick your face?

I don’t see why not.

asker

Anonymous asked: What are you thoughts on all these people wanting to be your proxies Sexy?

Well, I never have have a shortage of people to make me food and do all my housework.